I think these are the funniest things I've heard in a while, so I took them off the forum I found them on, and decided to share them :D

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.
6. Chuck Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
10. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
13. Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people
14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
15. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
17. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
18. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

*Ahem* kind of inappropriate link :P - Admin

19.When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

20. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

22. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

I don't know who "Chuck Norris" is but those still made me laugh. :blush:

Chuck must be *very special* to do all of that. :hehe:

I don't know who "Chuck Norris" is but those still made me laugh. :blush:
I think he's an actor, or something. :P

He is an actor who is famos for like being tough, he was like a karate master, with round house kicks and all that :P

I never thought much of Chuck Norris before either, but coincidently, my classmates looked up the same jokes today! I was laughing so hard!

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

:lol:

:lol:
You forgot my favorite:
Chuck Norris counted to infinity... Twice.

I do not know much about Chuck Norris but these jokes are very funny. :lolol: Hmmm... An actor, which movies were he in?

Hmmm... An actor, which movies were he in?
I believe he was in the TV programme "Walker, Texas Ranger", although I'm not sure.

He is like the best karate dude on the planet!


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.


Those are some from the inappropriate site :P

^ :lol:

Oh yeah?? Well.. when Jack Bauer does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

:lol:

Oh yeah?? Well.. when Jack Bauer does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

:lol:

Did you make that one up? :lolol:

*coughs* Chuck Norris could so take Jack Bauer, because:

There is no such thing as an atomic bomb, just Chuck Norris falling out of a plane and punching the ground :P

Chuck Norris needed a stunt double to do those cry scenes.

This is from saturday night live: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=9207556482301349977&q=young+chuck+norris&pl=true
This is a parody of it: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2101048520206198263&q=SNL+chuck+norris&pl=true

Haha... funny...

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

My classmates and I were fooling around, having a blast reading Chuck Norris jokes during math class today. We had a chemistry test this morning, so I said, "What's the most reactive metal?" "Chuck Norris." :hehe:

This is from saturday night live: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=9207556482301349977&q=young+chuck+norris&pl=true

Haha...the guy singing looks like Jack Bauer :hehe:

What is all the fuss with Chuck Norris lately?

^^ yeah, i dont get it either

No real fuss I don't think 0.o

i dont even know who he is!!

i dont even know who he is!!

Me either. :hehe:

Chuck Norris:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris
http://images.google.com/images?q=Chuck+Norris&hl=en

Chuck Norris:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris
http://images.google.com/images?q=Chuck+Norris&hl=en

oh! I know who he is now. I just didn't him by his name, I know what he looks like though. ;)

Haha, funny.